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  I’d make sure to always remember that. I’d never get let down again.

  ***

  Cyrus

  After I rolled on the last coat of pale pink in my spare bedroom, I stood back and imagined how it would look with Shimmer and Shine decorations covering the walls. An involuntary smile curved my lips up as I looked at the wall decals I had waiting. When Brianna finally came to stay with me she’d feel like she was in a palace.

  I’d been busting my ass for a month taking any overtime that came across my path at work. I hadn’t seen my own house for weeks at a time because I’d been taking away jobs where I had to lay wires for new housing developments that were being constructed at an insane rate. It didn’t matter though because my checks looked nice on payday.

  I was able to order a bunk bed for my daughter Brianna so that when she finally came to stay with me for a while, we could have daddy-daughter sleepovers until she got used to her room. I got her an entire closet full of clothes and more toys than any three-year-old should have.

  Since my schedule slowed down, I’d be able to have Brianna come stay with me while I took over the youth group at church and worked closer to home. I was over the moon thinking about having my baby girl come stay with me. I was so over the moon that I was thinking about talking to her mother about maybe easing back into a relationship for Bri’s sake.

  If it didn’t work we could at least be cordial. I was a man that believed in relationships and family. I believed in doing the right thing and being a morally upstanding human being.

  Being a youth pastor didn’t mean I was squeaky clean. Doing the right thing meant seeing if Kim and I could give it one more shot for our child.

  Once the paint in Brianna’s room dried, I moved through my three-bedroom house shutting the windows. I didn’t live in an impressive house worth showing off but it was mine. I paid the mortgage every month and had money left over to take care of myself and by today’s standards, that a damn success.

  I lived in a comfy, one level ranch-style home that my mother decorated the minute I closed on the house. It didn’t matter how much I told her to leave it alone and that I didn’t give a damn about throw pillows or coordinating colors, she was determined to do what she wanted. I gave up after a while and ended up with a driftwood color palette, suede recliners, a matching couch, and leather accents. I had no idea what most of that stuff meant but it made her happy whenever she came over and it got her out of my hair once she was done.

  After the last window was closed, I blew a puff of warm air into my fist and rubbed my hands together. I could feel winter biting through the fall air and it sent a chill floating through the house. I turned the heat up a few degrees and answered my ringing phone. I just knew it was my father calling to ask for pictures of the finished paint job. He swore I’d need his help but it was only one room. I may not have been the carpenter of the family but I knew how to lay down paint.

  I frowned when I realized it was Kim and not Dad. I answered the call anyway, hoping I’d get to speak to Bri. “Yo, Kim. What’s up? How’s Brianna?”

  “Hey, Cy. She’s fine. She can’t wait to see you. I was calling to see if you could Cash App me the money for the ticket.”

  “I get paid tomorrow but I can send it to you today. No big deal. I want to make sure you guys get here safely before the Thanksgiving rush,” I said.

  “Sounds like you better send that money then. Oh, can you send me a little extra? Like a hundred extra? I want to take Bri to the doctor for a checkup before we leave.”

  My brows fell low on my forehead and I slid to the edge of my seat. “Is she okay?” I quizzed.

  “Yes, Cyrus. I just want to get her a checkup since this is the first time she’s going to be out of the state. Better safe than sorry.” I could practically hear her rolling her eyes on the other end of the phone. I rubbed my forehead and walked into the kitchen where my wallet was. I dug through my license and credit cards until I found my insurance card.

  I frowned and said, “Kim, there’s no co-pay for a well-care visit and she only has a checkup once a year. What do you really need the hundred dollars for? I’m not tossing money at you if it’s not for my daughter.” I slid the card back in my wallet and waited for her answer.

  When Kim told me she was pregnant she also told me she didn’t have any health insurance, so I made sure I got the family plan from my job and put her on it. Brianna was added by default when I signed the birth certificate. I refused to let my child and her mother be assed out with no insurance.

  She grew quiet on the other end while I stood waiting for an explanation. Kim always held a certain level of secrecy with her that made it impossible to get close enough to really read her. I wanted that to end.

  “I need it for my mom, Cyrus. She has to see a specialist to get a biopsy and the co-pay is like fifty dollars. I don’t know if she’ll need medicine or what. I’m sorry I lied. I know you hate that. Can’t lie to a pastor, huh?” She laughed but it was sarcastic and it grated on my nerves.

  “Kim, it’s not about me being a pastor. I’m also an electrician but you don’t hide your bad wiring from me, do you? Don’t lie to me because I’m the father of your child. Not because I’m a pastor. That’s just basic human decency.” My nostrils flared from irritation.

  “Okay well, that’s the truth. My mom needs it. Can you send extra money?” She asked.

  “Yeah. I’ll help you out but this isn’t free money. I told you before, anything I lend you over fifty dollars I need you to pay back. I’m not rich and I don’t want to start the habit of lending you money that’s not for Bri.” I didn’t want to be a money tree for her. We’d fallen into that trap when Brianna was a baby. I found myself financing everything for Kim.

  I had to put a stop to that immediately.

  “Damn, Cy. It’s not for something frivolous. It’s a doctor visit for Bri’s grandmother,” she reasoned.

  “I’m not changing my stance, Kim. I’ll Cash App you the money for the ticket, plus the extra but I want it paid back.”

  “Fine. Whatever. I’ll pay it back when I can.” Once she realized I wasn’t budging, she hung up and I didn’t even get to speak to my daughter. I started rethinking trying out a relationship with her because I couldn’t see myself with a woman that was okay with lying to people who were trying to help her.

  I could feel the stress of dealing with Kim creeping in on me. I fought with myself over going to the bar because I knew it was my weak spot. Why the hell did I think I could have a relationship with her beyond co-parenting?

  I went into Brianna’s room and smoothed the Shimmer and Shine decals on the wall then cleaned up the paint supplies and vacuumed the floor. None of that pushed away the craving for alcohol though. I had a bad habit of relying on liquor to erase stress and anxiety.

  Wasn’t my best trait.

  I fought with it all the time.

  I couldn’t fall back into drinking though. Drinking was how I became a father in the first damn place. I had way too much fun in Miami with my boys and nine months later, Brianna was born.

  I headed to my car and sat behind the wheel for a few moments begging God to take away the urge to drink. When I was done praying, I opened my eyes and drove to church instead of the bar. I needed to work on my lesson for bible study on Wednesday.

  Every time I got close to sabotaging my three years of sobriety, I found something else to do. I was just scared for the moment when I couldn’t find something else to distract me. I was scared of the moment when stress and anxiety got the best of me and I caved.

  I pushed those kinds of thoughts out of my head. I only needed to concentrate on what was in front of me.

  ***

  I spent three hours in my office at Cross Point Church setting up discussions and printing study guides for the youth group’s bible study. I didn’t even know that much time passed until there was a knock on my closed door.

  Since I was only the youth pastor, I didn’t get a big glass
office like the main pastors did. I got a smallish office in the back of the church with a wooden door that squeaked every time it was opened or closed. My mother still tried to decorate it.

  When I opened the door, Jennifer, the church’s main secretary was standing there with a smile. “Pastor Cyrus, we’re locking up for the evening. You done?” Jennifer was about ten years older than me but it didn’t stop her from staring at me like she was letting her lustful side run wild with fantasies. She thought she was good at hiding the desire in her brown eyes.

  She wasn’t.

  I was used to it though. Most of the women in Cross Point looked at me like that.

  “Yeah, just about. Let me wrap some things up. Thanks for letting me know its closing time. I wasn’t paying attention,” I smiled at her.

  “You’re working hard. Nothing wrong with that at all.” Her deep brown eyes slid down my body and I let out a chuckle.

  “Anything else, Jennifer?” I lifted my eyebrow and listened for her response.

  “Are you going home after this, Pastor?” She asked, folding her arms just under her breasts. I fought the dog inside of me and looked at her eyes instead. I left that part of me alone when I got Kim pregnant.

  “Yeah, I sure am. I’m gonna go to bed early.”

  “That’s no fun. You’re too young to go to bed and go home. I’ll treat you to dinner.” Her words came out way too sultry. I rubbed the back of my neck and sighed. In the past, I would have bent Jennifer over my desk and gave her the dick she was searching so frantically for.

  I was different now. I was more concerned with keeping myself on the straight and narrow and keeping my blinders on.

  I cut my computer off and slipped past Jennifer before she could snap me up. “Nah, I’ll heat up something at home. I have some spaghetti in the fridge. Thanks though, Jen.”

  “Anytime, Pastor. Lord knows a man like you shouldn’t be eating alone though.” She smiled and swayed her hips past me. My eyes dropped to her behind and I chuckled to myself a little. If she had a little more back there it would be harder to resist her.

  I was an ass man though.

  Jennifer was pretty with full lips and nice tits but I needed more than two handfuls of ass to even think about being tempted.

  “A man like me?” I smirked and waited for her to set the security code by the front door. “What kind of man am I? Last I checked I was a normal guy.”

  “In addition to being a flirt,” she said, pointing at me, “You’re fine and you know it, Pastor.” I let out a hearty laugh and held the door open for her as we walked out. The icy bite in the air whipped around us and I noticed Jennifer holding herself a little closer. I never understood why women didn’t wear heavier coats.

  Without a second thought, I handed her mine. She looked at me baffled but she put it on quickly. “Pastor Cyrus…thank you so much.”

  “You’re welcome. Have a nice night, Jen.”

  “You too, handsome.” She smiled a little then headed to her car. I stood there to make sure she got in safely and started her engine before I headed to my car.

  Jesus…temptation was around every corner.

  ***

  The week before Thanksgiving, I finished Brianna’s bedroom.

  Her bunk bed was put together and all made up with pink Shimmer and Shine blankets and pillows, her toy box was fully stocked in the corner and her closet was packed to the door hinges with outfits. Kim told me her flight was supposed to touch down at three in the afternoon so I wanted to make sure I had everything perfect before I went to pick them up.

  I stopped checking and rechecking the fridge when my mom called. “How long before I can come over to see my grandbaby?” She asked without even saying hello.

  “Ma, can I go pick them up from the airport first?” I chuckled. Elizabeth West wasn’t known for her patience. When my mother wanted something she didn’t stop pushing until she got it. Right then, she wanted to see Brianna.

  “Let me know the minute you get back, Cy. Your father and I will be right over. We have some things to give her. Nothing for Kimberly though. I still don’t trust her as far as I can throw her,” she grumbled.

  “Okay, Ma,” I groaned. My mother never liked Kim. She probably never would because once she dug her heels in the ground about something it was hell getting her to let up.

  “Did you make sure you have plenty of food and not just spaghetti, Cy?”

  “Yes. I have food. I’m a grown man. I know how to grocery shop.” Spaghetti was the one thing I made flawlessly though. I checked my watch and realized I had plenty of time before I needed to head to the airport but I had to find some way to get my mother off the phone before she talked a hole in my head.

  When my doorbell rang, I gave the air a fist bump and eased my mom off the phone. I didn’t even care who was on the other side of that door.

  When I opened it, a familiar face greeted me with a smile. “What’s up, bro? Today’s the day you get to see the little human right?” My best friend, Paxton Singh strode in and went straight to the kitchen.

  “Yeah, today’s the day,” I nodded, following him. I had to follow Pax, especially when he was in the kitchen or else I’d have no food when he left the kitchen.

  “Shit, I need to come over here whenever you get Brianna because you packed the hell out of the fridge.” He grabbed a box of Hot Pockets and smiled at me. “Mind if I have these?”

  “Pax, there’s five in the box. You can’t eat all of them.”

  “Wanna fucking bet? I ate an edible an hour ago and I’m feeling this shit. I could eat your entire house right now.” He ripped into the box and shoved a Hot Pocket into the microwave.

  “Didn’t I tell you to limit those to the weekends and special occasions?” I frowned, sitting at the kitchen table. Pax shrugged and sat across from me.

  “It’s a special occasion. You get to see your kid after five years.”

  “Brianna’s only three,” I laughed.

  “Oh…well shit. You know what I’m trying to say, Cy. I’m happy for you. Are you still gonna try to work things out with baby mama?”

  “Kim? Nah. I gave up on that the other night. She wanted money for her mom to go to the doctor but she lied and told me it was so that Brianna could get a checkup. I realized I can’t mess with a woman like that.” I told him, shaking my head.

  “Good. I’m glad you came to your senses. She’s a clout chaser.” Pax took the Hot Pocket out of the microwave and sat down at the table again with a content sigh.

  “Yeah, I’m gonna have to agree with you. I didn’t want that to be the case but…”

  “Can’t save them all, bro. I know you’re doing your Jesus thing and shit but let the wild ones run free. Take care of your kid.” Pax stopped talking long enough to shove almost the whole damn Hot Pocket in his mouth.

  He was right. Unfortunately, I couldn’t have a relationship with Kim. She wasn’t for me. Who the hell knew I’d end up getting sage relationship advice from Pax of all people? He wasn’t exactly the wise one between us. He was definitely the loveable stoner.

  As much as I told him to cut back on the weed, I wouldn’t have him any other way. That’s just how Pax was wired. He was more normal when he was high than when he was sober.

  “Hey, I’m gonna leave you with a cookie. Don’t let the little person get a hold of it,” he warned, stretching out a long finger in my direction. I wasn’t against weed in any respect but Pax had it for breakfast lunch and dinner. Moderation wasn’t his thing.

  “You’re leaving me a cookie? That means you think I’m going to be stressed out.” I laughed but it was true. That’s how he looked out for me. In college, when he thought I was going to freak out before an exam, I always found a joint under my pillow. He was like the weed fairy or something. He was great at sensing when I’d be stressed though.

  “Yeah…Baby Mama and little mama are coming to stay with you through the holiday. You’re going to be stressed.” Pax heated up another Hot Pocket
and ate it before wishing me good luck and leaving.

  After his visit, it was time for me to head to the airport. I grabbed the bouquet of yellow daisies and the teddy bear I got for Brianna and left.

  Nerves sank into the pit of my stomach, weighing it down and making me insanely uncomfortable. I pulled up at two forty-five and waited at the gate.

  I waited…

  And waited…

  And waited…

  Something wasn’t right.

  I fumbled around in my pocket looking for my phone with one hand and holding on to the flowers and teddy bear with my other hand. Every minute that passed where I didn’t see Kim and Brianna made me sick with worry. I called Kim seven damn times before she answered the phone.

  “Hey, Cy…” Her voice sounded shaky and uncertain. It set off alarms in my head.

  Keep calm Cyrus. Let her talk.

  “Where are you guys? Is everything okay?”

  “Um…we’re not coming. I should have told you last night but my mom had to go to the hospital. Are you actually at the airport?” A hint of laughter lingered in her voice and I wanted to smash my goddamn phone in the palm of my hand. I wanted to feel the shards run through my fingers like sand.

  “Yes, I’m actually at the airport, Kim. Where the fuck else would I be?” My voice was explosive. Even though there were tons of other people and conversations mixing together around me to create a buzz of human voices, everyone quieted when I roared at Kim over the phone. All eyes were on me. Black, brown, blue, and green gazes stuck to my skin.

  “Oh my god. Are you allowed to drop the F-bomb, Cyrus?” Another giggle from her had me wanting to fly off the handle in a blind rage.

  “All I wanted was to see Brianna, Kim. You couldn’t make that happen? I’m sorry to hear about your mom but there was no other way you could have made sure she was okay?”

  “No, there wasn’t. You might be a little youth pastor or whatever but you sure are inconsiderate, Cy. I’d never treat you like this. I’m over here having a family crisis and you’re only worried about how you feel.”