Defect Page 10

  It was hard though.

  I nodded my head and dried my weeping eyes then went back into her office with Malachi. He’d started drawing a picture. I tucked my hair behind my ear and looked over his shoulder. “What are you drawing, Tyke?” I asked.

  “Me and you, Solo. That’s you,” he pointed to the deep brown stick figure with long hair and a big smile. “That’s me,” he pointed to the short stick figure with a big smile.

  “That’s beautiful, Malachi.”

  “Thank you. I saw a movie where the boy drew pictures and they came to life. So, maybe if I draw what I want…it’ll come to life too.”

  My. Heart. Broke.

  “I love you so much, Malachi.” I breathed in through my nose hoping to stop the tears from falling. He didn’t need to see me like that.

  “I know. I love you too, Solo. I’ve missed you but I don’t text because Daddy has been home at night.”

  “Oh? He’s working during the day now?” Malachi nodded in response. It explained why he hadn’t been reaching out to me at night. “Has he…hurt you, Malachi?”

  “I got a beating last night because I took some food from the refrigerator. I was hungry though.”

  “I’m so sorry, baby. You know you don’t deserve that right? It’s not okay for your dad to hit you. I need you to remember that. You’re not doing anything wrong and Miss Monroe and I are working so hard to get you out of there.”

  “I know. It’s hard and I’m always sad but I like coming to school.”

  “Good. I’m glad you like coming to school.” I motioned for him to sit on my lap and he did so gladly. I laid my hands on his back and shut my eyes. “Breathe with me, Malachi.” His eyes fell shut and he pulled in slow, deep breaths like I’d shown him dozens of times before.

  “Your hands are warm, Solo. I like it.”

  “Good. Just keep breathing.” I pushed all the love and positivity I could muster into him for five quiet minutes then I kissed and hugged him. I hated to part ways with him but I knew I had to. At least his stomach was full and he had clean clothes. Before he left Amaris’ office, he handed me the picture he drew and told me he loved me.

  “You’re doing the right thing, Solana.” Amaris hugged me and gave my hand a squeeze.

  “I know. I just wish it wasn’t so hard.”

  “It’ll get easier.” She rubbed my back and I felt a little better but my heart still hurt.

  “I gotta go to the studio and open. Come by later, okay?” I looked at her and she nodded with a smile. I hurried out of the school the way I always do before I swooped in and kidnapped my baby.

  I breezed into Sun Goddess at 9:45 and Ezra was already sitting outside on the ground, leaning against the door, looking down at his phone. I walked up and stood in front of him waiting for him to notice me. He snatched his headphones off when he realized I was standing there. I heard the slow soft sounds of R&B coming from them.

  “Good morning,” I smiled softly. After leaving Malachi, my heart was heavy. I couldn’t give him the bright smile I would usually give.

  “Hey, you okay?” He followed me inside after I unlocked the door.

  “Not really, Ezra.” I set my bag down and walked behind the counter.

  “If you show me how, I can make you a cup of tea.” His offer made me smile.

  “I’ll show you.” When I showed him how to work the kettle, he stood right behind me. I knew it was so that he didn’t get in the way but it made my body temperature rise.

  “I know how to use the kettle. I need help with whatever branches you put in the strainer.” An involuntary laugh slipped through my lips and I glared playfully at him. He took another step toward me and I felt his body brush against mine in the softest way. My body went rigid as a board.

  “Come here,” I told him, pointing to the space beside me.

  “I wasn’t trying to crowd you.”

  “But you’re standing like two breaths behind me,” I mentioned.

  “So basically, no matter what I do, I’m crowding you?” He stood beside me and I looked up at him. I couldn’t tell him that I needed him to get away from me altogether because the scent of Irish Spring and the deep vibrations from his voice were driving me nuts.

  “You’re not crowding me, Ezra. Now, right here is where the chamomile lavender mix is. Here’s the citrus blend, the jasmine blend, and the peppermint.” I pointed to each container and he nodded.

  I had to learn how to work around him and compose myself. Yes, he was insanely sexy and yes I was a tiny asteroid being sucked into his intense planetary gravitational pull but I had to push all of that out of my mind and focus on the fact that he was eighteen and we were going to be friends.

  It took a lot of reminders throughout the day but after a while, I was able to look at him as a friend. He was just a sexy friend that I couldn’t and wouldn’t touch.

  It didn’t take Ezra long to get the hang of how things worked around the studio. It took him an even shorter amount of time to learn the email system. His real test came after my first class of the day. I watched him clean and sage the area exactly how I showed him. After that, I was sold. I made an excellent choice hiring Ezra in the studio.

  Every day for the entire week, he showed up on time and did everything perfectly. When I didn’t have clients or classes, we talked about everything under the sun. I probably shared too much with him and he probably shared too much with me but what are friends for? We spent too many hours laughing after Sun Goddess closed for the evening and I spent too many days rushing him home before his mother got off work and found him not tucked away in his room.

  On Friday, he saged after the last class while I answered emails, sitting in the lotus position in the Reiki room. “I’m done, Solo,” he said, sitting beside me on the floor.

  “Thank you, Ezra.” I looked at his long legs and shook my head. “No, sit like this. It helps to ground you.”

  “I’m not tiny like you. Sitting like that isn’t as easy for me.”

  “You can do it,” I sighed. I pushed his left foot toward his right knee and he begrudgingly got into position.

  “You see how stiff I am?” He asked with a frown.

  “I see you trying. Looks good to me.”

  “You’re saying that because I’m doing what you want me to do.”

  “Maybe,” I sang and rocked side to side.

  “I’m not sitting down here like this forever. You’re supposed to help me gradually stretch not snap me in half like a fucking pretzel.

  “Oh stop bitching, Ezra. You can do the sun salutation all alone now. Next week we’ll work on something more advanced.” He wasn’t trying to hear anything I said because he was uncomfortable in the lotus position. When he stood up, I stood with him.

  “I wanted to show you something,” I said following him with my laptop. He sat behind the front desk and I stood between his legs, trying hard not to sit on his lap. I turned my back to him and he slid forward to look over my shoulder. His knees were on either side of me and he pressed his hands against the desk, locking me in an Ezra cage. Anywhere I moved, he was there. His breathing was steady but mine was erratic. My pulse slammed against the front of my throat and I tried to figure out what it was that I wanted to show him.

  “What’s up?” He said. His voice was chocolate silk against my ears.

  “Right here. A new class has signed up for lessons.” I swallowed the knot in my throat. “They’ll start next month on the first. I want you to watch me put them into the scheduling system. This way they get put on a billing cycle.” I tucked my hair behind my ear when in reality I wished I could pull it up on top of my head in a bun because the skin on the back of my neck was blanketed with prickly heat. Instead, I swept it to one side.

  “What program do I click on to put them in the billing cycle?” He asked. His chest vibrated against my back and I tried to keep it together. I clicked on the app and leaned over to type in the information. I knew my ass would push against him. I bent down
anyway.

  You’re playing with fire, Solana.

  Ezra’s hands found my hips and my pulse threatened to burn out from moving so quickly. “You’re tiny but you’re in my way,” he said. We both knew there was no real reason for him to hold me that way. Just like there was no real reason for me to be bent over in front of him.

  It felt good though.

  So fucking good.

  He knew it felt good too because he dug his fingertips into my hips and pulled me back a little. I didn’t protest though.

  “Am I?” I asked. “Here, can you see now?” I slid backward onto his lap and he locked his arms around my waist.

  What the fuck are you doing, Solana?

  “Much better.” He rested his chin on my shoulder and watched me put the class into the Sun Goddess system. “So next class you get, I’ll register them in the system.”

  “Deal,” I smiled.

  “You’re gorgeous when you smile, friend,” Ezra said.

  “Thank you, friend.” I laughed and stood up before I lost my mind any further. “Your smile isn’t half bad either.” I closed the computer and put my fists on my hips. “I have an idea,” I said.

  “I’m listening.”

  “Why don’t you take night classes at Radcliff Community College? They have GED classes every other night.”

  “Because I wouldn’t be able to stay at work all day.” He looked at me with a glint in his brown eyes that made me tingle.

  “Your boss will be fine with it, I’m sure.”

  “She’s fine with a lot of stuff…” His head tipped to the side slightly and I hid the hot sting of crimson begging to rise to the apples of my cheeks.

  “So go and take some classes. I’m sure it will appease your mother.”

  “Yeah, she doesn’t want me going anywhere by myself though, remember?” Ezra told me all about his mother and the way she kept him trapped under her thumb. I had quite a few choice thoughts but I kept them to myself.

  “I can always tell her I’ll take you.”

  “She doesn’t even know you exist yet, Solana.” He reached out and grabbed my hand, slipping his long fingers between mine.

  “I can introduce myself and tell her I’m looking for help in my yoga studio. I can ask if she knows of any strapping young men.” I smiled at him and he shook his head with a chuckle.

  We spent the rest of our evening running through scenarios where his mother would allow him to work with me and take GED classes. Every time I mentioned something, Ezra shot it down. I started wondering if he was making up things about his mother or if she was really that stifling and controlling. I was itching to meet her myself and find out but I knew he would freak the fuck out. It didn’t stop my wheels from turning anyway though.

  …

  EZRA

  I woke up extra early on Saturday mainly because I was dreading it. I knew my mother wanted to go to the old house and finish cleaning it out. She wanted Everett’s room empty and she wanted me to do it. Going in there to take out the things that meant the most to me was hard enough. I hated the thought of going in there and rifling through his clothes, giving them away, and putting his stuff into boxes. My heart was heavy thinking about it.

  Since I was awake before my mother for once, I walked over to the biggest window in my room and looked across the street at Solana’s house. There was one light on upstairs and I saw a shadow pass by it. A smile found its way to my lips as I grabbed my phone and sent her a text.

  Me: Why are you up so early?

  Solo: Having coffee and tea. I just got finished meditating.

  Solo: Why are you watching me? Creep.

  Me: You’re nice to watch.

  I kicked myself for typing that shit. Sometimes I couldn’t help it though. Solana was stunning and every time I was around her I had to go to war with myself so I didn’t jeopardize our friendship. Being friends with her meant more than trying to shoot my shot with her. People like her didn’t come around very often. I wanted to make sure I held on to her tight.

  Solo: Friend, are you flirting?

  Me: No. Stating facts. You want me to call you ugly instead?

  Solo: You better not. Now, why are you up early? Wanna come over for coffee?

  Me: Are you flirting?

  Solo: Ha. You wish.

  Me: I might sneak over there. Mom is sleep right now.

  Solo: Don’t chance it, Ezra.

  I wanted to see her though. I stared out of my window and like she knew I was looking at her room from mine, she pulled back the curtains. I saw her cocoa skin and pretty smile from all the way across the street. She was a fucking goddess. She waved at me and I waved back.

  Me: I want to see you.

  Solo: I’m right here in the window.

  She pointed to herself and I laughed a little. Ever since Everett died, the only person to make me smile and laugh had been her. Magic was stitched into the fabric of her being. I wanted her to cover me in it even if it meant she could only do it as my friend.

  Sometimes, I sat in Sun Goddess watching her and wondering what I did to be both so lucky and so unfortunate at the same time. I was lucky as hell to have Solana in my life but it was the most unfortunate thing in the world to only be able to be her friend.

  If I ever had the chance to be more I’d treat her like a queen.

  Then reality slapped me hard in the mouth. It left a bitter taste on my tongue. I was broken. She didn’t want me. Even if she did, I broke everything I touched and I would break her too if I had the chance. I would want to treat her like a queen but it wouldn’t happen. I’d lash out at her. I’d hurt her feelings. I’d dim her light.

  We were better off being friends.

  Me: You’re tiny far away and up close. That’s some kind of record, right?

  Solo: Fuck you, Ezra. I’m tiny but I’ll slap the hell out of you.

  Me: Prove it.

  Even from my bedroom window, I could see her flip me off. I laughed and she must have heard it because she laughed too. I guess I laughed a little too loud and long because my mother barged in with a heavy scowl on her face.

  More gray hairs had taken over her head and now fine lines were starting to stretch across her forehead. She was aging before my eyes. “Ezra, who are you in here talking to? Don’t lie to me either because I heard you in here laughing. Are you on the phone?”

  “No, Ma. I’m not. I wasn’t doing anything and I wasn’t talking to anyone.” I put my phone to sleep and glanced out of the window. I saw Solana’s shadow move and I felt the pang of missing her light and warmth already.

  “Uh huh. Well, it’s time for us to get up. We need to finish moving things out of the old house and I expect you to take care of your brother’s room.”

  “Okay,” I said slowly. “I’m going to walk up to the gas station and get coffee. I’ll be back.”

  “And just where are you getting money for coffee from, Ezra?”

  “My wallet,” I laughed a little. I moved over to the closet and Mom stood there glaring at me. I swear I could feel hatred pouring off her. I had no idea when the control turned into hate but I felt the shift. I couldn’t do anything right in her eyes.

  If she had her way, I’m sure she’d lock me away and not let me do anything for myself. Working for Solana showed me that I was capable of getting up, getting to work on time, and actually learning how to do new things.

  I didn’t feel like an invalid anymore but I definitely still felt broken.

  “I didn’t give you any money so where are you getting it from, Ezra?” She stood in my room while I got dressed and didn’t move one inch to give me privacy.

  “Why does it matter? I have enough money to get a fucking coffee and you’re chewing me out over it.”

  “Watch your mouth! I am so tired of you talking to me any kind of way. Where is your respect, little boy?” Thunder and lightning crackled to life in my skull, banging around from side to side. My head thumped and throbbed with dull pain. Anger stiffened my m
uscles and I tried to let go of it but it clung to me. It was hot and sticky like tar. I tried to remember all the breathing I learned with Solana and how she helped me to calm down and find peace. Peace evaded me right then.

  “Respect for what? You’ve treated me like shit ever since I woke up from the coma. You buried my brother without me. You talk to me like I’m stupid…like I’m a walking, talking, time bomb. You don’t listen to anything I say. You try to make me go to church. You won’t let me talk to a therapist and you keep me caged in the house all day long. Why would I respect anything about that?” My nostrils flared and my chest heaved. Mom drew her shoulders in and tried to shrink herself but she couldn’t shrink her attitude toward me.

  “You’re not going to get coffee. I don’t know where you got money from but you’re not spending it. Are you stealing from people? Ezra, I swear if I find you you’ve been leaving this house…”

  “Stealing? Do you even know me?” I scoffed and moved past her. I was going to get my fucking coffee.

  “I haven’t known you ever since you hit your head. I don’t know you at all. You’re a monster!” She shouted after me. Her words launched into my chest, cracking my heart open. I didn’t think I could withstand anymore blows to my heart. I didn’t think my mother could fuck me up any more but that shit hurt. I couldn’t lie about it if I wanted to.

  I slowed in my stride and tried to find words to hurl back at her but I couldn’t. The pain of my own mother thinking I was a monster paralyzed me.

  She was like everyone else.

  She thought I was a defect too.

  She didn’t say it but the sharp and sour tone in her voice said it all.

  My steps were uneven as I made my way to the front door. I snatched it open and sat on the porch, resting my forearms on my knees. I wasn’t in the mood for coffee anymore. Not one minute after I’d been sitting outside did the door across the street swing open. Solana moved across the pavement like she was floating on a cloud or something. I had to stare at the ground to make sure her feet actually touched it.